Guest Comments by Michael Moore

The writer, an American author and Academy Award-winning film-maker, frequently comments on politics and business. Here, he issues an ‘open letter’ to United States President Barack Obama.

MICHIGAN -- President Obama, I understand you may be looking to replace Rahm Emanuel as your chief-of-staff. May I humbly offer myself as his replacement?

I’ll come to Washington and clean up the mess that’s been created around you. Working for US$1 a year, I’ll help the Democrats on Capitol Hill to find their spines and teach them how to nonviolently beat Republicans to a pulp.

Plus I’ll help you to achieve what the American people sent you there to do. I don’t need much, just a cot in the White House basement will do.

Don’t get too giddy with excitement about my offer because you and I will be up at 5 every morning. We’ll get you pumped up for battle each day by doing 100 jumping jacks as you repeat after me: “The American people elected me, not Republicans. I’m in charge! Obstructionists, get out of my way. If the voters don’t like what I do, they can throw my ass out in 2012. Now, Congress, drop and give me 50 pushups.”

Then we’ll jog up to Capitol Hill. We’ll take names, kick butts and take more names. If we need to give a few noogies or half-nelsons, so be it. In our pockets we’ll have papers to remind pansy Democrats how much they won by in 2008 and about poll results showing that most Americans oppose the Afghanistan and Iraq wars and want bankers punished. Like drill sergeants, we’ll get in their faces, asking: “What part of the public mandate don’t you understand, soldier? Drop and give me 50 pushups.”

Most Americans wept with joy when you were elected. Unlike the last president, you didn’t “win” by 537 votes in Florida while losing the popular vote by a half-million. Nationally, you beat John McCain by 9,522,083 votes. That was supposed to be the dawning of a new age. The wars would end. America would have universal health care. You’d rein in Wall Street and the banks. Hardworking citizens wouldn’t be thrown out of homes.

But the Republicans didn’t fade away quietly. That’s why they usually win. Unlike most Democrats, they’re relentless and unstoppable. When they believe in something (usually themselves), they fight for it. They’re loyal to each other. If you exiled them to a chunk of melting polar ice-cap, they’d still insist it was just a normal “January thaw” as Arctic waters rose to their God-fearing necks (“See! This water’s cold! What global warming? Adam and Eve rode dinos.... Gulp!”)

You’ve lost precious time trying to reach “consensus” and be “bipartisan”. After more than a year with you in charge, not one banking regulation has been reinstated. We don’t have universal health care. The war in Afghanistan has escalated. Tens of thousands of Americans still lose jobs and their homes.

Mr President, you’re such a good guy. You extended a hand to Republicans and they tried to chop it off. You wanted to be respectful and they decided to say “no” to everything you suggest. Yet you kept saying you believe in bipartisanship.

If things don’t change, then on Election Day 2010 the Democrats will get an ass-whoopin’. Then a new Republican majority and a few conservative Democrats will “bipartisanly” impeach you for being a socialist and a citizen of Kenya. Then our window to fix the country will be gone. Gone, baby, gone!

Although I don’t know what your team has been up to, it hasn’t served you well. Your White House looks like it’s running on fumes. Shake things up! Bring me in to get you pumped up!

I’m packed and ready to arrive tomorrow. What do you say? Me and you against the world! Yes, we can! It’ll be fun, and we’ll get things done.

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