Book Reviews

Reviewed by Lily Bond

On starting Be Honest – You're Not That Into Him Either by Ian Kerner (2006, ReganBooks, 159 pages), I had the impression it contained lightweight drivel aimed at people obsessed with shallow relationships. But I decided to read on and found that Kerner, the “hottest, hippest sex expert of our time”, had some pearls of wisdom to offer to women on the dating treadmill, roving from one not-so-hot date to another seeking a perfect man to marry.

Kerner has a PhD and also wrote She Comes First. He's a happily married man in his late 30s with one child. Along with being a sex therapist and writer, he has done radio and TV shows. Known as the “sex-doctor to generations X and Y", his journey to counseling professionally grew from his personal battles with life and relationships and a desire to help others. By counseling to unhappy couples and singles in their 20s and 30s, he realized the need for sage advice on being single, dating and marriage.

In this book, the author covers many issues, from why you sleep with someone you really don't even want to eat breakfast with, to shutting yourself off in hopeless despair of ever finding Mr Right. He challenges women to “raise their standards” and to discontinue dead-end relationships with guys who are happy to sleep with them, but don't treat them well in any other sense.

One consistent theme is a treadmill image. Being on the treadmill of dating one failure after another prevents a woman from having time to know herself, improve and find new ways to meet a man she may like better. He quotes a line that “insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result” to show that many women foolishly struggle in such a trap – repeatedly visiting the same places to meet the same kinds of losers.

For a single woman seeking Mr Right, what sort of tips does Kerner offer? Firstly, realize that you are a woman and not a man. Many women want to “have sex like a man", but their different mental makeup means they often fall into the attachment trap, even when knowing that it’s not viable long term.

Secondly, be honest with yourself. If dating someone while still hoping for a better person later, quit now and take time to find the better person. “ ‘In the meantime’ is wasted time, which means missed opportunities.... It's like putting your life on deferral indefinitely. Well, let me tell you ladies: someday has arrived. Someday is right now; it's realizing that you've lowered your standards and settled into a pattern of diminished expectations.”

Thirdly, don't rush so much. Kerner stresses the trends in online, Internet and speed dating that hinder developing good relationships. “In the high-speed wireless world, where daters have the potential to meet as many people each week as they desire, individuals become devalued because there's always a new date in the queue.”

In the reality that Kerner presents, we don't live online. A woman must get out there and live her life with or without a man at her side, so it's better to get off the treadmill of dating and live for a while without relying on having a man to determine self-esteem or live in the illusory “thrill” of the chase. The process can resemble an addiction, and no addiction is healthy.

The only way to cure an addiction is by going “cold turkey". So Kerner says, “Quit the dating treadmill.” Be honest with yourself and stop devoting time to guys you are not that into. He dispels the myth of happily-ever-after, but adds that when you get the relationship you deserve, “it may not be a fairytale, but it'll be based in reality and it'll be with someone you're really into.”

This book has a premise that casual sex for its own sake, rather than part of a relationship, is okay, but the author presents some cautions too. Some women who feel lonely or empowered as modern females may not wish to face some of Kerner's other advice. But overall he puts the challenge to women to be honest about what they want and not to tolerate mediocre sex and shabby treatment from men they're not “really into” anyway.

The high point comes when Kerner shares personal experiences in dating his wife, including their courtship tale from her viewpoint. Amid all the advice, their commitment to becoming best friends and then marrying is the pinnacle. “You need to know what belongs and what doesn't but you can only do that by really knowing yourself. All my life I had settled for people who didn't belong. It took a while but I finally found the one who truly does belong.”

Some ideas and phrases repeat. The writing style stays very simple. Although the book's aimed at young women, it isn't one I'd give to my own daughter as a guideline on dating because it follows the attitudes of Sex and the City.Yet many women shape their lives on that model, so Kerner's style and advice suit those in that scene who need wiser guidance. In that regard, this book delivers worthwhile content.