Bold and perhaps foolish enough to tie matrimonial knots in certain parts of Asia, notably Thailand, many Western men soon find themselves bound by emotional and financial snags. In Thai the Knot, How to Untangle the Complexities of Cross-Cultural Marriage (2011, Blacksmith Books, 167 pages, HK$88) , first-time author Patcharaporn “Pop” Soisangwan uses humor and perceived good sense to deliver partly valid advice that may save some readers from years of heartache.
Non-Asian men in Thailand tend to make dismal choices about “affairs of the heart”. They enter into cross-cultural marriages full of jolting surprises and nasty misunderstandings about expectations, perceptions and “normal” behavior. The Thai author, herself with a Western husband, tries to inform and advise such men about “the hardest work God created for man: marriage”. Indeed, such readers badly need someone to enlighten them.
“This book is help for the helpless and hapless, a guide to help you navigate the shark-infested waters (read: annoying habits that make you want to shove your foot up your spouse's behind) of a committed relationship with a Thai.”
Sincere and straight-talking, Soisangwan delivers clarity that may reduce, even eliminate, some husband-wife cultural clashes. But most Western readers never will agree with much that she tries to justify as normal and right from a Thai perspective.
For example, she strives to explain away a type of extortion. Typically, Thai wives expect their foreign husbands to perpetually and regularly pay stacks of currency to “assist” her parents, siblings, distant relatives and even friends. The author's advice, to dig deep and satisfy the wife's wishes for the sake of family harmony, will leave most husbands badly exploited.
“It's the norm in Thailand for the most privileged individual to treat the less fortunate; or the one of higher status to take care of the one of lower.... So if your wife's parents do not have much money coming in each month, and you do, they are not greedy, they are just following the norm. You can accept it or go marry a blonde.”
What could sound worse than this? “So when you choose a woman to court, take a good look at her family too because you will be their future loan officer, one that never gets interest and almost never recoups his money.”
Oh, but maybe it's worth every baht, the author suggests, promising that a husband who pays routinely, presumably until it hurts (badly), will reap glorious rewards in family respect and in sexual favors from his wife. The situation sounds much too materialistic, even depraved, for most people to swallow.
Maybe worse, the author appears to partly endorse unfair discrimination too. “One reason why we do not value the beauty of dark-skinned girls so much is because we associate the dark skin with being dirty. I know that's not true; dark skin does not mean a lack of hygiene or skin care, but this belief is part of the Thai psyche.” The author insists that Thai viewpoints hold relevance like all others, but many of her countrymen surely need some serious attitude adjustments.
Luckily, other passages sound more reasonable. “Despite Thailand being so dirty, or maybe because of it, Thais value cleanliness. We don’t like to see dirt on ourselves. Dirt on the streets, trash on the sidewalks, and mangy dogs in our pathways are okay, but make sure to scrub yourself clean.”
Repeatedly, an impression emerges that the author believes that husbands need to take the wife's way or the highway. “Man cannot undo what God has done, so he just has to learn to live with her.... I don't mean to be harsh, but you'll be much happier with your Thai wife if you don't fight things and learn to accept them.”
Speaking on behalf of Thai wives, Soisangwan takes a demanding tone: “Our needs surpass religion, politics, language, culture and social status. Gentlemen, we want your attention. We want your time. We want you to cuddle us. We want to be number one in your hearts. And we want gold, diamonds and cash (there's the hard truth!).”
Some readers may hope that Soisangwan's words of “wisdom” or folly will help them to solve disputes with wives from places other than Thailand. They’re likely to be disappointed. Although certain aspects of marital disputes, like the need for compromise, apply globally, much of the content here sprouts from deep Thai roots.
A cartoonist named Ming ably illustrates and supplies much of the humor. The cartoons, like the text, have a distinct Thai flavor.
Readers may marvel at certain peculiar chapter titles. Consider “Wedding Bells and Naked Ladyboys” or “Bathroom Etiquette and Poop Chutes".
Originally from Northern Thailand, Soisangwan studied English at Chiang Mai University. Now she pursues a degree in fashion merchandising at Ohio's Ashland University.
Thai the Knot should prompt some men to hesitate, thinking more with their brains instead of other body parts, before tumbling too deeply into romantic entanglements in Thailand. Maybe that's the best possible outcome.
Otherwise, what does the future hold for such men? “Unless you want to make your blushing bride lose face, keep your lips shut and curved into an inscrutable smile.”
Approval rating: 64 per cent.
For more information: www.blacksmithbooks.com
(April 18, 2011)
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